Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia by night
"When the night comes, the starry sky reflects on its surface like in a mirror, and you have the feeling of being in space."
Sometimes I think that I’m made of two very conflicting people. Two fish swimming in two different directions I guess since I’m a Pisces. My father has lived life to the fullest, my mom has lived her life the safest. I am the product of two very different people. Both of them very self sufficient, both struggling with the silence they were raised to keep, both bound to each other some how. I was raised wanting to know my father more, wanting to be more like him, I was always drawn to him, his family, and we always seemed to have this mutual view on life but my mom kept me from him, kept me from everything I wanted to be a part of out of fear that she might lose me like she fears she’ll lose my dad. Then she realized she couldn’t keep me anymore. One of the most meaningful things she ever told me was that she knew if I really truly wanted something I would get it, someway somehow. That despite all she did to keep me on a certain path, I fought to be myself and keep on my own. I have an inner desire for adventure and danger, but a fear of change, and a fear of leaving behind the people I love. It’s this disgusting conflict and I’m miserable because of it.
Documenting progress. I went to dance today for 2 hours. Then came home and did another 35 squats and 55 crunches without anyone to tell me to. Which is progress in itself. I’ve been gaining weight lately and I need to start being more active. I’m proud I at least did that tonight.
My dad is my hero. Whether he wants to be or not.
I used to lay on the basketball court of an elementary school every evening around 5 pm. The sun would be setting and I’d watch the airplanes fly over. I always felt like I could get away when I saw those planes fly over. The amount of hope that would well up inside me was indescribable. I still have never been on a plane but whenever I see one right around that time in the evening and the sun it hits it just right, I get that hopeful feeling again.